A Wedding Plea…
15/11/2009
I was going to write something here about how wedding planning is going, about what I’m thinking and stuff but I couldn’t bring myself to do it as it is so hard to articulate my thoughts. Instead then I’m going to ask for some help…
20th February is the date set for what is supposed to be the biggest day of my life, it the day which western society has already set the mould for. But those of you who know me, indeed those who read this, know that I’m not a societal norm guy. At the moment, especially after a little chat with the Vicar who will possibly be leading us in our vows, I’ve got a battle on in my head about weddings – about what a wedding really is, about the role of tradition and church politics, about legal marriage and religious marriage and the difference, about the role of family and friends and the role of me and Sam, about who does this and says that and ultimately about does any of it matter?
So this is my plea, for those of you who read this – Can we pull together some thoughts or discussion on weddings and marriage? What would you do, in reality or hypothetically? Would you do anything? What’s essential, what’s important, and what is the ‘trimmings’? Any and all thoughts welcome, if not needed…
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1.
Edward Magee | 16/11/2009 at 11:49 am
Are wedding services about you the individuals? Or is that the marriage?
I would encourage you to think abut the fact that this services is not for you…. it is for your two tribes to come together on a day of celebration, the unity of the two tribes. What language or acts will make that an easy transition, for all members involved. I would argue you need to have a service where the 90 year old grandmother can feel this is part of her tradition, her tribe. You have a service where you get as many people involved as possible, let as many other people have the say as possible about things like flowers or the like, get a compromise for both sides. then and only then [when the service /day is something both sides can feel is their day... not yours] you can add something of yourself, because it is both of your days. But if you have to surrender for a day, you uniqueness, your indifference to cultural norms, then why does it matter if it loves both families? It might not matter to you but it might matter to aunty Doris / Gladis / Betty [delete as appropriate]
you have the rest of your life to ignore social norms, so i would argue it is a day to love everybody else.
If you want to have a service that is completely different, have it on another occasion, in a different place that means something to you, but why take it away from people whom it matters.
That is my view, I am sure there a lot [and i mean a lot] of people who disagree with me, but I put no stock in these things, except that it matters to others, and others matter to me.
2.
Ellen | 17/11/2009 at 5:59 pm
I’m clearly nowhere near a wedding or similar but I agree with Ed. Obviously marriage is all about you and Sam, but as an institution it has a wider impact. Dads walking daughters down the aisle, best friends making speeches, the chance to say all the soppy things you really shouldn’t, for one day only! So, lame and get-out-clausey as it is for a pretty traditional girl like me, I think weddings should be about the people who are attending loving you guys who are getting married and celebrating together. Just think, the next time these people will be in the same room together could be your funeral, make sure you have all the fun you can!
3.
setyoursights | 18/11/2009 at 10:49 pm
I see your issue, but knowing you and how you will plan the day I can’t see tradition taking over the occasion. There are a lot of things that are ’supposed to happen’ at weddings, the bride throwing flowers over her head, the first dances etc, but these are all just part of the occasion, they aren’t going to overpower the people involved and their friends and families, if anything it will highlight their amazingly loving relationship. Just by having bring and share food, calling in favours from friends and relatives, involving the people that are closest to you, you are automatically building the occasion around you and Sam and the people that mean most to you.
There are a lot of things that don’t necessarily matter and it’s up to you to decide what does and doesn’t happen on the day, but really it’s up to sharing your relationship with your friends and families, making that commitment to each other.
4.
Wilko | 19/11/2009 at 5:13 pm
There is a great pressure to try and do something different – to outdo other weddings that you’ve been to in some novel way. And of course there is a financial pressure – can’t remember what the latest stats are but the average wedding costs many thousands. As the others have said, the main thing is that you are yourselves and that your wedding reflects you and Sam. Beneath the tradition (not necessarily the flower-throwing but the actions of the service) there is some important symbolism (ie the parent giving his/her daughter away). It may be lost on people so you may want to accentuate or reinterpret it but I wouldn’t just chuck it out, to be different.
You’re already thinking through what it all means which is probably more than many people do when they get married.
5.
matthink | 27/11/2009 at 6:51 pm
Nobody’s saying it, but we’re all thinking it…
Underwater Wedding? Oh yeah!
6.
Tim Maundrell | 29/11/2009 at 3:40 pm
Guys (and Ellen)
Thanks for your comments, they have been really useful and have been considered a lot as we have been discussing all these things with friends and family.
To let you know we have decided to drop the Vicar and hence the church building and do everything in the hall. How this is going to look we don’t know but these are the new conversations we will begin…
7.
setyoursights | 06/12/2009 at 7:07 pm
What does this mean for the service then, you’re not dropping all the God stuff are you?!
8.
Tim Maundrell | 09/12/2009 at 10:17 pm
I said we’ve dropped the Vicar and the church building…
…
9.
Simon Bray | 09/12/2009 at 10:55 pm
So is there still a ceremony with a talk and prayers and vows and worship?
10.
Tim Maundrell | 10/12/2009 at 5:21 pm
To be honest the format and what is going to happen hasn’t fully be defined yet…
but my question would be is ceremony, talk, prayers, vows and worship ‘God stuff’? are they necessary for God to be part of our marriage? (these are the new conversations I alured too…)
11.
Simon Bray | 10/12/2009 at 7:02 pm
I wouldn’t say that ceremony involves God, and I imagine that’s what you’re trying to avoid, any sense of doing things because that’s what you do, but surely a biblical message to encourage you and Sam, vows before God and a blessing upon your relationship through prayer aren’t just part of ceremony, they’re you and Sam confirming your relationship in public before God.
Sorry, all one sentance!
12.
Tim Maundrell | 14/12/2009 at 4:21 pm
simon, you may have hit the nail on the head…
as i say we haven’t decided how al this is going to work yet but we’ll be chattin to mike and trying to discover exactly how things are going to work..
13.
Simon Bray | 14/12/2009 at 4:37 pm
Sweet.